exhaling

if things fall apart you know they were meaningless to begin with.

Play, don’t die.

I recently read an article arguing that, in Japan, obentos (lunch boxes, particularly in nursery schools) serve as ideological state apparatuses. In her discussion of the time-intensive labour that mothers devote to the production of these delicately prepared meals, the author aptly mentions the concept of play and how that figures into the creative approach that one may take towards work.
Perhaps I am being overly critical here, or perhaps it’s just a reflection of my current state of mind (sleep-deprived, allergy-ridden, blurry-eyed and numb), but I do feel as though I have lost a sense of enjoyment of/for life and have forgotten the concept of play. Everything appears far too serious now, or at least I am thinking about the implications of my actions and inactions at every waking and lucid dreaming moment. I am sorry to say that, as others have probably perceived, I am becoming more android-like with only current bursts of human expression to indicate that yes, I am indeed alive. Or I’ll put a little somethin’ somethin’ on for certain shows, such as team/work meetings or temporary social gatherings, which leave me exhausted and directionless after the fact. Not going anywhere. Not going anywhere. Lackluster is apt.
Where am I going? Firstly, where am I?

Eleni, on the topic of listening to the adventures of her siblings:

where my sister went with three close friends, and the four of them shoe-string backpacked it around costa rica and then took random in-the-back-of-pickup-truck rides across the boarder to Panama and then lived on this boat for a while with some fisherman who was renting out the sleeping quarters and some local kid taught them how to surf... or when my brother was in Hong Kong and ended up at a local rave where they play village people remixes sped up in giant star-trek esque metal tubed warehouses and lived with a guy from south africa for a while in Taiwan, and the various adventures ensued…

He’s going to S. Africa, she’s going to N. Africa, she’s going to France and hiking the Alps, they’re all going on internships in metropolises, she’s already there. Missions trips, field school, work, internship, volunteerism, NGO, vacation, adventure, travel.
The concept of NOW – no opportunity wasted – is too heavy for me. Every season and transitional period has to be planned out, yet nothing is ever a guarantee. Slowly and quickly, I am discovering more about life.
This is all to say that I do not know what I will be doing or where I will be in the summer. Last year at that time, I was working and taking summer courses before traveling from Thailand through SW China up to Tibet and then down to S Thailand before returning for work and school. Certainly a full summer, a tiring summer, a summer well spent, I believe.
I am restless and I want to attach myself to something with meat and meaning, with flesh on bones. Selfish? Of course, but necessarily so. I don’t think I have invested enough into how I have allowed myself to be shaped by others, how I have freed myself from various chains, how I have closed and opened and ignored so many doors. Thus we see that I figures centrally in the discussion of who I am.
I’ve been looking at the Himalayan Health Exchange as well as the Aang Serian Summer School in Tanzania as options for field school, on top of exploring the AAA site. I feel as though I have become too accustomed to things just happening for me, for connections to work themselves out in order for me to be the passive receiver of blessings. Once the scholarship funding ends… what will there be? It has become almost an automatic expectation for someone out there to provide me with what I need to engage in the opportunities that I seek. Work over the past years has given me something to work with, but how and where do I invest it? Now, without contact with my parents who I always turn to for advice and knowledge and with a million things to consider I have been struck with the weight of my potential decisions. I am considering summer courses, last semester courses, thesis advisor, thesis topic [medical anthropology: the Chinese Diaspora, health, and race, or linguistic anthropology: the Presbyterian Church in Kenya and oral tradition?], internships, field schools, grad school, GRE exams, , money, museum work, continuing my current job, the apartment, roommates, family and home. I am questioning plans that I had previously envisioned as certain and secure. This doubt arises from life experience, from the realization of physical and mental limitations. Going somewhere doesn’t mean anything, because “somewhere” surrounds me and I intersect it everyday.
I miss being able to talk – about it, about you, about myself, about us. I’m just not there anymore.

just for the sake of it

How marvelous that presidents and governors come to mourn and praise. But in the morning... will words become deeds that meet needs?

I've just watch a clip of Reverend Joseph Lowery speaking at Coretta Scott King's funeral. Preachers are possibly the greatest orators of our time.

***

Why always the disconnect? Why so rare the actualization?

**

These past few days have been a daze, particularly during and following the reading week-all nighter. Two months after the initial due date, my research paper - 24 hardcopy pages - has been handed in. Although embarrassed and gravely disappointed in myself, I am certainly relieved to have it out of my hands for the time being. The paper has reinforced the notion that I can only get work done if extremely stressed and in a state of great discomfort. A dangerous characteristic at best.

*

Everyday I see life passing by me while I watch, still. I realize that I don't appreciate the concept of greatness, nor have I treated honesty with respect. There are too many boundaries built around normative models of conduct; even the rawest of honesties has to find its own channel. And it'll only flow if it's meant to.

Why is reading week so burdensome? Work, all day tomorrow.

listening: david gray - life in slow motion

you'll make it

I had a pleasant conversation with D- the apartment maintenance volunteer - tonight upon returning home from classes. It really was lovely, and left me in a relatively good mood.
I'm assuming D's around 70+. I've always thought of him as a gentle Scottish soul, despite what others might have said about him.

So, by the mailbox downstairs, we exchange a few words. I tell him it's a busy time, to which he replies with such natural confidence and belief, "Don't worry about it. You'll make it."
I've never really had a grandfather. So for now I will hold on to the idealistic features of grandfatherhood that I can extract from D. Sometimes all you need is a elder paternalistic figure to assure you that it will really all be okay.

listening: nick drake - blossom friend

jewel

while the world could care less... did you know that jewel is dropping a new album?

"'Goodbye Alice in Wonderland' is no fairy tale, but still a strange tale indeed; it is the story of my life - from the extreme solitude of alaska, to my first trip to hollywood. From my rise to fame, to the cliche crisis of betrayals by those closest and most dearly trusted.

This is the most autobiographical album i have made since 'pieces of you', and i spent alot of time sequencing it, so that each song sets up the next, like a novel with a begining, middle, and an end. By the end of the 13th song, if you have listened closely, you will have heard the story of the sirens song that seduced me, of a path i both followed and led, of bizarre twists and turns that opened my eyes, forcing me to find solutions so that my loss of innocence would not lead to a loss of hope until, ultimately, the path turned back on its self, leading me closer to where i began; a ranch, this time in stephenville texas, where i find my self delivered from the magic forest. Not broken, just more myself."

redemption?

listening: Devdas - Maar Dala

update on life

january was a month of birthdays: T, A's bf, H's bf, S, H, H, E... however, january was far from a month of celebration. rather, it was a dreadful return to apathy towards everything in life... a sentiment that has seaped into february.
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a few things happened in january, not necessarily worthy of recollecting: [in chronological order]
1. listened to Paul Rusesabagina speak @ the chan.
2. listened to David Orr speak on 'The End of Education"
3. went bowling with the anthropology/sociology department students and profs. Dr. Guppy is a fun man.
4. gave a presentation at the student leadership conference, and co-led another presentation.
5. arranged to meet someone to give them something, forgot to bring that something so went home to get it, came back to campus and forgot to meet that person at arranged time, but thank God ran into that person to give her that thing that I had forgotten but then remembered. that was such a bad day.
6. had a wonderful wednesday in which I was hannah lim herself: 11 - met E for lunch, 12 - met D for tea, 1 - ran into H for discussion above the pool, 2-6 - class, after - meet S&S, 7 - greet visiting parents and go out for S' b-day dinner, 8-9 - eat pinapple tarts while watching AI together.
7. transferred bank accounts. yippee |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
[8-15: Africa Awareness related; a tiring week as a coordinator]
8. fashion show @ i-house
9. movie - karmen gei @ liu institute - missed, stayed home sick [10-12=same day]
10. met the secretary general of the African Unification Front (AUF), Dan Kashagama, while introducing him at a public lecture.
11. attended a beautiful moroccan african studies research dinner at sage bistro, where dr. idahosa from york university spoke ever so succintly and eloquently. waiter spilt milk on me.
12. coffee house and african story telling at the graduate student's society. wonderful and dynamic storytelling from ms. comfort ero in the beautiful woodfloor thea's lounge. ethopian coffee and tazo teas.
13. called mom for birthday at 12:01am. attended keynote speech, Pulane Lefoka, at the Museum of Anthropology. strawberries with ubc catering. walked back in the rain and wind.
14. sikiliza - african party all night long; good samosas, people, music, and dancing.
15. entire day of conference-ing at the education building. a successful event if i do say so. +|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+|+
>>> apt: i had to miss chinese new year dinner on saturday because i came home tired exhausted and just plain low from the africa conference. what kind of compromises have i made? an underlying crisis i don't want to think too much about.
>>> i got a haircut today at AIR after realizing that i wouldn't be able to score on a free cut at RAIN because i'm not available on mondays... alison, that would have been fun. sadly, things are too japanese at the moment.
>>> i saw an intriguing program on detroit public tv (pbs production) last night - African American Lives - in which henry louis gates, jr, was interviewing oprah, whoopie, ben carson, chris tucker, quincy jones, td jakes, etc... to collaborate on a composition of african american history through their family geneologies in the south. the importance of land and education - two very powerful points to get across, and i think they did it quite well.
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>>> i'll be cooking with E and H tonight. just like old times, except with the cooking.
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>>> i'll be seeing this amazing man sing in two weeks.

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in the meantime, i am paralyzed by apathy.