dying

***

After moping around the apartment for hours, lamenting my loneliness and various ailments, I decided that it was time to get out and get something accomplished. Perhaps checking off something on a to-do list would be just the thing to put me in motion once again. Maybe that was the best part of exam period – there were dates, there were tasks, and there were final accomplishments. Done.

So I burned 84 images onto a CD to be printed, carefully choosing the 4x6s, 5x7s, and 8x12s. It was 4pm. Perfect – the store on campus closed at 6pm. I finally got off my butt, packed, and left for school optimistic and somewhat energetic.

I approach the lady at the front counter and inquire about prices. She tells me the prices: too expensive. I leave the store.

5 minutes into the mission, I am met with failure. Walking aimlessly away from the store, I am confused and don’t know what to do. I am not supposed to be spontaneous. I am well-planned out, organized, detailed. Apparently. I thought to myself, Where is the one place I can go on campus on a Saturday? What building can I depend on?

I reached the library soon enough, only to be greeted by the sound of the ringing bell, warning of the 15 minutes until closing. Somewhat distraught, and disappointed that my old faithful was turning its back on me, I soon left the building again not knowing what to do. I wouldn’t go home, not after it took me the entire morning and afternoon to get out of the apartment. I walked toward the Rose Gardens. It was a beautiful day, and I was going to soak in the beauty if it killed me. I had a book in my bag… that would save me. I could read! In the sun!

The Rose Garden was occupied. People looked like they were graduating.

So I kept on walking. Down the stairs, toward old faithful #2: the anso building. Even though it was a Saturday, I was somewhat hopeful that my professor would be working in his office, as he does sometimes. If only the front door wasn’t locked…

Keep walking. Behind the building and toward Green College, there is a beautiful look out spot with a bench. Full ocean and mountain view, nice breeze. Perfect – I would sit there and read. This would be relaxing. As I walk toward the spot, I notice a couple following me. A few seconds after settling down on the bench, they appear. Fortunately for them, there are two benches. Unfortunately for me, there are two benches.

There I am, wanting to be melancholic by myself but grounded by the reality that I am wandering alone with no real purpose or direction. The couple sits and talks for what seems like an hour. I sit there, doing nothing. When they get up to leave, I think to myself, great. Now I can enjoy the space for myself.

As soon as they leave, another couple takes their bench as though they had been waiting behind a bush, waiting to pounce. They steal glances at me, perhaps taking pity on the poor lonely soul on the bench. What is he doing? After spending around 15 minutes, reminding me of my single status, they leave.

When the third couple sits on that bench, I decide to leave.

In my mind, I had exhausted all my options at the time. I considered walking home – at least that would justify my outing in terms of exercise. But I was aching from the previous day, and from being sick. I walked to the bus stop and took the bus home. And that ends my day.

Back to summer hibernation, in the sauna that is my apartment. If only it was cold, and raining.

***

I feel like I’m slowly dying here.